Pennington's Greatest Case of Magnificent Awesometude
by RabidSonicFan
Summary: Greetings, readers of Fan Fiction dot net! Apparently, this account of my most recent case was too short to publish as a novel... and even if it wasn't, every major publisher put me on the blacklist. Naturally, I wanted my story to be seen, so I have published my account on this site for your enjoyment. So, um... enjoy. Or else I'll talk to you some more. That threat usually works.


**Pennington's Greatest Case of Magnificent Awesometude**

**Written by: Pennington Rathbone Esquire IV With a Lemon Twist**

Greetings, readers, this is Pennington, the penguin with the improbably large brain, here to tell you of the greatest case ever told: _Mine_! To start off, _IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT_... or a sunny and peaceful afternoon; I'm a bit fuzzy on the details… mostly because nobody bothered to give my office a window. But that's beside the point; the day began like any other… with me staring poignantly at the wall, for no discernible reason.

"Isn't this wall amazing? I mean, just look at the architecture! The peeling wallpaper, the holes infested with termites... just fantastic...!"

"Sir," my secretary says, as she walks in (I never particularly bothered to remember her name), "What are you doing?"

"Working, my dear..."

"You haven't had a single case yet; all you ever do is stare at the wall... and who are you talking to, anyway?"

"That's classified."

"Uh-huh. Right… Well, there's a letter for you, sir," she says, taking a letter out of her coat pocket, "I'll put it on your desk for you."

She does so and walks out, going back to her desk, which is interestingly on the opposite side of the building. Such a nice dame... though I often wonder why she insists on slipping those pills into my coffee. Nevertheless, I cautiously opened the envelope (just in case someone sent earwigs again) and took out the letter, reading it aloud:

"'_Dear Pennington,_

_As far as recommendations go, I've heard absolutely nothing positive about you; normally, this would be perfect ground for me to point and laugh at you, but your services are currently required… mostly because you're pretty much the only detective in the entire world somehow... so, yeah. Meet me at my castle in Toad Town, ASAP. Signed, Princess Peach'_... Hm. How interesting. It appears that I have an actual case... well, I deduce that I must be off," I say, as I start to walk out of my office, "Secretary, hold all of my calls… even though most of them are death threats."

"Whatever."

"And WALL," I said, staring ponderously at it for one last time, "... Take care of the place for me."

I finally waddle out of the building, ready to begin my journey anew. But, of course, just like every good detective, I had a most puzzling conundrum...

"... HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET TO TOAD TOWN," I screamed to the heavens, "TAKE ME THERE; POSTHASTE!" ... as usual, the heavens didn't answer me… jerks. But luckily, some hapless soul came to my aid!

"Um... there's a train station over there, dude; do you need directions?"

"Well, you're certainly nicer than the heavens, young lad! Would you like to be my colleague?"

"Erm... not reall-"

"EXCELLENCE; state your name, my young apprentice!"

"... Blooey."

"Blooey, eh…? Hm... It needs a little more pizzazz! I shall call you... SEÑOR SQUISHY!"

"Wait, WHA-"

"SEÑOR SQUISHY, may I now have those directions?"

"... Fine," said SEÑOR SQUISHY (I love saying that, if you can't tell), "Follow me."

As SEÑOR SQUISHY and I made our way up to the train station, we were suddenly stopped by a deadly assassin:

"No, NO! We do NOT let this guy go on the train anymore!"

"Why not… ASSASSIN…?!"

"Because you're a nuisance, that's why! We have at least fifty lawsuits because you cause all of our customers to jump out of the windows!"

"Indeed, I am aware that everyone is overwhelmed by my awesome presence, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Unless you step at least 10 feet away from this train station, you'll have to be arrested."

"... To the airport then! TALLY-HO…!"

My colleague and I then strolled back down the stairs, hailing a nearby cab.

"So, mac, where ya' goin'," said the cab driver in a thick Italian accent, spitting out some gross substance (much like many other cab drivers), "I ain't got all day."

"Can you take us to the nearest airport, filthy cab driver?"

"Sure thing, but… what are ya' goin' there for?"

"A Princess requires my services!"

"... Interesting," muttered the disgusting driver, as he started to drive away, "So, who exactly are you, anyway?"

"Pennington, MASTER DETECTIVE! ... And you?"

"Well... my friends would call me Wario," he said, as he stuffed a clove of garlic in his mouth, "... except I ain't got no friends. MUEHEHEHEHE!"

"Yes... I see..."

"Pennington, I'm getting bad vibes from this guy,"SEÑORSQUISHY stated, "He's creepy, ugly, and to be quite frank... he smells."

"Do not worry, SEÑORSQUISHY! I have my woman's intuition!"

"But you're a guy."

"Oh yeah... huh…"

Eventually, after making it to the airport and being savagely beaten by the employees of said airport, my colleague and I finally arrived at our destination…

"_Ah…_" I said, inhaling the pungent aroma of fungi surrounding me, "Isn't this a marvelous kingdom…?"

"If you say so," SEÑOR SQUISHY uttered (with what sounded like what _might be_ a hint of disdain), "Can we wrap this up quick…? My daughter has a piano recital in two hours."

Feeling some sort of pity towards him, I decided to humor my protégé, by skipping the scenic route and just taking a straightforward path towards the castle. At the gates we were stopped by two Toad guards.

"HAULT!" one of them said, "State your business!"

I nodded, taking out my letter. "Your princess requires my presence for official sleuthing business…! Or whatever you call it."

The two guards squint at the letter, nodding and stepping aside. "Go right ahead."

"Much obliged…!" I exclaimed, stopping to stuff a few dollar bills in their pockets as I made my way inside, "There's a Ms. Peach that wanted to see me…?"

"Oh," the princess said, walking down the stairs, "It's, um… agreeable to see you, Mr. Pennington…!"

"That's Mr. _Detective_ Pennington…!" I corrected, "But, considering how you're the princess, I'll let it slide! So, what services am I required for…?"

"_Well…_" Peach bends down, whispering in my ear.

"Your diary was _stolen?!_"

"SHHHHH…!"

"That's a _travesty, _if I've ever heard one!"

Peach pulls me aside, dragging me to another room. "This is embarrassing, alright…? I'm sorry to ask you all the way up here for this; but I need you to keep this on the down-low, got it…?"

"Never fear…!" I declared, saluting, "Detective Pennington is on the case…! So, who are our current suspects?"

Soon, enough, I was led to a dark interrogation room, waiting little more than a minute or two before my first suspect was brought in: Popple, a thief from the Beanbean Kingdom who speaks like a 1930s gangster… much how I speak like a film noir detective. But you didn't hear that from me.

"I didn't do it, see…!" Popple said, flinching away from me, "Youze can't prove nuthin'; I HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTOURNEY…!"

"I didn't even ask you—"

"Awright, you wanna play hard ball…?! Here! Take it all back!" He throws a sack of money on the table. "Just don't throw me back in the slammer…!"

"Um… that's much appreciated, but this isn't what you're here for."

"Oh…" Popple loudly coughs, which almost makes me jump out of my chair. I've since deduced that he has bad sinuses. "So, uh… what _am_ I here for…?"

"Stealing the princess's diary…"

"What do you think I am, a _monster_?! I may be a thief, but I know how to respect peoples' privacy!"

I sigh with defeat. "Very well…"

"WOO-HOO…!" Popple dashes off in a cloud of dust.

"Bring in the next suspe—"

"DID SOMEBODY SAY WALUIGI…?" A strange-looking man garbed in purple slides into the room.

"No…"

"Are… Are ya' sure…?"

"Yes… Please leave."

"Why does nobody like Waluigi…?" He slunks out of the room, swirling in a metaphorical vortex of sadness and torment… but I didn't have time for that.

Soon, none other than the King of Koopas himself came walking into the room. "It's nice to be invited for once…" Bowser snorted, leaning back in his chair, "But what's this all about...?"

"I'd like to know the whereabouts of Peach's journal…"

"What about it…?"

"We think you're one of the culprits."

"Oh, heavens, no; I kidnap _princesses_, not diaries…! Unless it just so happens to be under my nose… which it _wasn't_, because I was at _my_ castle all day, before you called me over here!"

"I see…" I look over at the escorts surrounding him, "Is this true…?"

"As far as we could tell, yeah; we've been with him the whole time."

"Hm… very well…"

After I went through much the same process with many another interrogatee, my efforts ended up fruitless (in a manner of speaking). Soon, I had no choice but to investigate this on my own, so I asked to search through Peach's room. She [reluctantly] complied. Soon, I acquired evidence; said evidence stating that someone from the _castle_ had to have stolen the diary. So, Peach and I guided the castle's staff to the main hall.

"Greetings, lowly royal staff members; you may be wondering why I've called you all here…!"

"Peach's diary was stolen, right…? We kinda heard you yelling about it."

The princess glares at me before I go about my business. "Well, um… Yes; but, according to my vague and nondescript research that I made recently, I have hastily come to the conclusion that one of _you_ must have apprehended it…!"

"I'm not surprised…" One of them mutters.

Toadsworth stands up in his chair. "Why, that's… That's the most _absurd_ thing I've ever heard! I've worked for the royal family for fifty years...! Why would _I_ have stolen the diary…?"

"We… We didn't say you—"

"If _I_ had stolen the diary, would I have it in my left coat pocket?" He takes it out.

"Um… yes."

"Oh… well, goodness gracious me."

Toad Guards put him in handcuffs as Peach walks up to him.

"Why did you do it, Toadsworth…?"

"Well, princess; you've been awfully _bossy_ lately and, well… kind of a brat. So, I did this to teach you a bit of a lesson… and I needed a good laugh every now and then."

"Well… okay… you had good intentions, so I'll strike five months off of your time in prison."

"Oh, jolly good; how long do I have now…?"

"Five months."

"Oh…"

The toad guards drag him away as Peach walks over to me. "I'm sorry about all of that, detective…" she says, handing me a chest filled with gold coins, "Here's some compensation for your work."

"Thank you, princess…" I said, tipping my hat and handing her a card, "Drop me a line if you ever need me again…"

"I… kinda doubt that I'll need to… But alright...!"

I nod, walking off with the chest in hand. "C'mon, SEÑOR SQUISHY… let's go home."

"I don't even live with you."


End file.
